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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand.You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a bar stool. Enter Chelsea Handler. Gorgeous, sharp, and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them. My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty. Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details. My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning. .
Price: $8.20
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I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world. —from the Introduction Actual reader feedback: "I am completely baffled as to how you can congratulate yourself for being a womanizer and a raging drunk, or think anyone cares about an idiot like you. Do you really think that exploiting the insecurities of others while getting wasted is a legitimate thing to offer?" "Thank you, thank you, thank you—for sharing with us your wonderful tales of drunken revelry, for teaching me what it means to be a man, for just existing so I know that there is another option; I too can say `screw the system' and be myself and have fun. My life truly began when I finished reading your stories. Now, when faced with a quandary about what course of action I should take, I just ask myself, `What Would Tucker Do?'—and I do it, and I am a better man for it." "I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist." "I'll stay with God as my lord, but you are my savior. I just finished reading your brilliant stories, and I laughed so hard I almost vomited. I want to bring that kind of joy to people. You're an artist of the highest order and a true humanitarian to boot. I'm in both shock and awe at how much I want to be you." "You are the coolest person I can even imagine existing. If you slept with my girlfriend, it'd make me love her more.".
Price: $6.48
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Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass LookBig, Or Why Pie is Not The Answer
A NOTE FROM JEN LANCASTER: "To whom the fat rollsÂ…I'm tired of books where a self-loathing heroine is teased to the point where she starves herself skinny in hopes of a fabulous new life. And I hate the message that women can't possibly be happy until we all fit into our skinny jeans. I don't find these stories uplifting; they make me want to hug these women and take them out for fizzy champagne drinks and cheesecake and explain to them that until they figure out their insides, their outsides don't matter. Unfortunately, being overweight isn't simply a societal issue that can be fixed with a dose healthy of positive self-esteem. ItÂ’s a health matter, and here on the eve of my fortieth year, I've learned I have to make changes so I don't, you know, die. Because what good if finally being able to afford a pedicure if I lose a foot to adult onset diabetes?".
Price: $8.07
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Shopaholic Takes Manhattan
“This expensive, glossy world is where I’ve been headed all along. Limos and flowers; waxed eyebrows and designer clothes from Barneys These are my people; this is where I’m meant to be.” –Becky Bloomwood Universally beloved by readers, Sophie Kinsella’s national bestseller, Confessions of a Shopaholic, introduced the irrepressible one-woman shopping phenomenon, Becky Bloomwood. Now, in this hilarious follow-up, Becky and her credit cards are headed across the Atlantic.... With her shopping excesses (somewhat) in check and her career as a TV financial guru thriving, Becky’s biggest problem seems to be tearing her entrepreneur boyfriend, Luke, away from work for a romantic country weekend. And worse, figuring out how to “pack light.” But packing takes on a whole new meaning when Luke announces he’s moving to New York for business–and he asks Becky to go with him! Before you can say “Prada sample sale,” Becky has landed in the Big Apple, home of Park Avenue penthouses and luxury department stores. Surely it’s only a matter of time until she becomes an American TV celebrity, and she and Luke are the toast of Gotham society. Nothing can stand in their way, especially with Becky’s bills miles away in London. But then an unexpected disaster threatens her career prospects, her relationship with Luke, and her available credit line! Shopaholic Takes Manhattan–but will she have to return it?.
Price: $3.29
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Bitter is the New Black : Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office
Jen Lancaster was living the sweet life-until real life kicked her to the curb. She had the perfect man, the perfect job-hell, she had the perfect life-and there was no reason to think it wouldn't last. Or maybe there was, but Jen Lancaster was too busy being manicured, pedicured, highlighted, and generally adored to notice. This is the smart-mouthed, soul-searching story of a woman trying to figure out what happens next when she's gone from six figures to unemployment checks and she stops to reconsider some of the less-than-rosy attitudes and values she thought she'd never have to answer for when times were good. Filled with caustic wit and unusual insight, it's a rollicking read as speedy and unpredictable as the trajectory of a burst balloon..
Price: $4.79
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The Alphabet Of Manliness
Lumberjacks, pirates, and Chuck Norris all agree that there is but one arbiter of manliness, and he has but one name: Maddox. The longtime proprietor of the absurdly popular website, The Best Page in the Universe, Maddox has thoughtfully collected his vast masculine wisdom for the first time in a useful reference work, The Alphabet of Manliness. Since men of course communicate with others only under duress, this book may be the sole resource for those starved for answers about basic manly subjects such as urinal etiquette, road rage, and beef jerky. We thought that Neil Strauss, who chronicled his own transformation from "half a man" to a "Master Pickup Artist" in the one-of-a-kind bestseller, The Game, might be the perfect expert to assess Maddox's guide, and indeed, he came through with the sharpest take we've yet seen on the book, which you can read below.
Guest Reviewer: Neil Strauss Over the past decade, Neil Strauss, former pop music critic for The New York Times, has established himself as the go-to guy for diarists of decadence, collaborating with rockers Marilyn Manson, Mötley Crüe (on the instant trash classic, The Dirt), and Dave Navarro, as well as porn star Jenna Jameson, on a series of witty and frank tales of celebrity excess. And then he stepped out on his own with one of our top-selling books of 2005, The Game, his bizarre, hilarious, and surprisingly uplifting memoir of joining a secret society of "Master Pickup Artists." Keep your eye out: he has many more smart and shocking projects on the way. I am fully convinced after reading the entire A-Z of The Alphabet of Manliness that the author of its 26 essays, Maddox, is a nerd. And not just because he correctly alphabetizes the entries, but because he can recite the names of every Castlevania game, talks about hacking and IP addresses and various mathematical theorems, and has just spent way too much time analyzing in minute detail every aspect of the penis, its functions, and its influence on the male brain. However, Maddox's lack of bulging biceps may actually be a positive thing. Because having him become the symbol and policy-maker of all things alpha male just may be one of the most subversive byproducts of the Internet since file-sharing. If you are new to the world of Maddox and unfamiliar with his website www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com, here's how you will react to the book: When you read the dedication--"to the love of my life, my soul mate, and the greatest person in the world: me"--you will think for a moment that you have encountered one of the most unlikable narcissists in the world. When he calls a woman a "bitch" on page 2, you may actually begin to hate him. But if you stick with it, by the time you get to the middle of the book and are fully immersed in his over-active, over-systematic, testosterone-addled imagination, you will begin to realize that Maddox just may be the Andy Kaufman of his time, in possession of the driest wit you've ever encountered. The middle of the book also happens to be the home of Maddox's finest essays. In his contribution to the geek canon of Chuck Norris worship, he spuriously notes that Norris uses hippies as firewood, intercepts letters to Santa Claus to use as toilet paper, and eats "bread, cheese, some tomato paste and a handful of basil, which sounds like pizza, but it's not because Chuck Norris doesn't want to give the Italians the credit." In general, there are two types of humor in this book: things that are funny because they're wrong ("a pirate's semen is indestructible") and things that are funny because they're right (his entire essay on urinal etiquette). By the time you get to his views on the quickie, in which he describes a sexual encounter with his girlfriend that involves her never showing up and him passing out drunk and getting robbed, you may be bookmarking his website. And by the time you turn to the last page, you'll be flipping back to the first, reading it again and looking for the jokes you missed because you were too busy being shocked, offended, and slightly titillated. In short, The Alphabet of Manliness just may be one of the smartest paeans to stupidity ever written. --Neil Strauss
What's more manly than crushing a can against your eye, Maddox-style? Mastered that advanced skill? Move on to Maddox's short quiz below, prepared exclusively for Amazon.com, and find out whether you might be one of the new breed of men, the "hetrosexual." Straight Is the New Gay by Maddox In a world where metrosexuals--stylish, well-groomed, and sharply dressed men--have taken the center stage in defining the new masculinity, small pockets of men are starting to emerge, rebelling against the status quo. This new breed of man has rejected a lifestyle of wine tasting, pedicures, and excessive cultural awareness (i.e., any cultural awareness). This newly born response to metrosexuality is gaining momentum like never before, calling back to a day when men proudly wore plaid, ate liver and onions, and smelled like motor oil by choice. This modern man has come to be known simply as: the hetrosexual. Hetrosexual men aren't afraid embrace their masculinity. They eat, drink, and sleep like real men: fully engorged. There's no such thing as a "fashion faux-pas" in the world of hetrosexuality. In fact, even the use of the phrase "faux-pas" draws the ire of the hetrosexual man in the form of beatings and social isolation (preferably both). These are men who refuse to be pigeonholed into the constraints of sexual ambiguity, and gladly welcome every opportunity to crotch-wrestle a hot babe. Hetrosexuals are making it cool to be straight again; straight is the new gay. Think you might be a hetrosexual? Take the following quiz to find out: | 1. How much should you tip a hairstylist? |
| If you answered, you're wrong. Hetrosexuals don't go to hair stylists. |
| The correct answer is B) No. Acceptable fragrances for men are: sweat, grease, rum, or some combination thereof. |
| 3. Which language do you speak? |
| A) French | | B) English | | C) Both | | D) Neither |
| The answer is B) English. French is the language of love, and men don't love anything. At best, there are varying degrees of "like," and even then, men don't like anything that much. |
| 4. When dining at restaurant, you should |
| A) Push aside your friends and wrestle over the best seat | | B) Wait until the maitre d' seats you | | C) What's a maitre d'? |
| The correct answer is A and C. A, because if you don't secure the best spot at the table, you may find yourself in the position of having to engage in small talk with your guest. And C, because of the answer to question 3 above. |
If you answered all of the questions correctly, congratulations: you are the winner. The important thing to keep in mind is that you are a man (unless you are not), and nobody can take that away from you. .
Price: $7.64
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Sellevision: A Novel
Light and funny, with a bitter aftertaste, the action of Sellevision takes place behind the scenes (and on the set) of a successful television shopping network, where a feminine role model, Peggy Jean Smythe, the married, Christian mother of three, begins receiving suspicious e-mail from a viewer who insists that Peggy's hairy earlobe is obscuring her presentation of jewelry during the broadcast. When Peggy fails to respond to the e-mail, but silently waxes her lobe, the cruel notes escalate, until Peggy believes herself to be suffering from a hormonal crisis that has given her a mustache, a gruff voice, and the manner of a lumberjack. Meanwhile, one of her cohosts, Max Andrews, has been fired for accidentally exposing himself during a children's special, and learns just how undesirable a commodity a penis-baring ex-Sellevision host can be on the job market. The book is an unusually smooth read for a first novel, with six or seven truly inspired lines. --Regina Marler.
Price: $6.75
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Men Are Better Than Women
Through a process of exhaustive man research he calls "keeping his eyes open," Dick Masterson has compiled a Magnum-size list of the ways men are better than women. It is an infallible compendium of man's greatness, filled with the most egregiously fallacious arguments ever put to words, but with some kind of miraculous, rock-solid man logic dripping like motor oil from every sentence. It is a manifesto more memorable than bullshit like High Fidelity or which Axe baby powder Maxim thinks you should slap on your nuts before clubbing, more chock-full of devastating man quotes than Oscar Wilde with two wangs. Most important, it is the only one of its kind. In Men Are Better Than Women, Dick Masterson dispenses logic from his man mouth into the eyes of his male readers like some kind of mighty mother man eagle with nutrient-rich word vomit. It's a book that makes you feel like driving a train into a dynamite factory and then tearing a telephone book apart with your bare hands, just because that's the way men have always done it. Masterson's chapters are simple and self-contained, demand no commitments from readers, and have an immediate payoff. Men Are Better Than Women is a dangerous work of satire -- not dangerous in a revolutionary sense, but dangerous in that it walks the razor-thin line between cruelty and absurdity. That line is called hilarious..
Price: $8.56
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Holidays on Ice: Stories
Holidays on Ice is a collection of three previously published stories matched with three newer ones, all, of course, on a Christmas theme. David Sedaris's darkly playful humor is another common thread through the book, worming its way through "Seasons Greetings to Our Friends and Family!!!" a chipper suburban Christmas letter that spirals dizzily out of control, and "Front Row Center with Thaddeus Bristol," a vicious theatrical review of children's Christmas pageants. As always, Sedaris's best work is his sharply observed nonfiction, notably in "Dinah, the Christmas Whore," the tale of a memorable Christmas during which the young Sedaris learns to see his family in a new light. Worth the price of the book alone is the hilarious "SantaLand Diaries," Sedaris's chronicle of his time working as an elf at Macy's, covering everything from the preliminary group lectures ("You are not a dancer. If you were a real dancer you wouldn't be here. You're an elf and you're going to wear panties like an elf.") to the perils of inter-elf flirtation. Along the way, he paints a funny and sad portrait of the way the countless parents who pass through SantaLand are too busy creating an Experience to really pay attention to their children. In a sly way, it carries a holiday message all its own. Read it aloud to the adults after the kids have gone to bed. --Ali Davis.
Price: $3.11
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