If you're afraid of "turning into one of those
couples who go into
therapy because they bicker all the time,"[p. 120] search no more for
marital advice.
According to
bestselling author Kirshenbaum, the
ever-increasing divorce rates in the U.S. aren't due to the often-reported irreconcilable differences, but rather a lack of "quality time" together. As overused as that term is, Kirshenbaum (
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay) persuasively argues that the American state of matrimony is all too often the victim of what she calls "Murphy's law" of marriage: "The less time you have together, the more things go wrong in your relationship."[p. 3]
Her prescription for finding "abundant love" in a world that's bursting with beeping Palm Pilots is pretty simple. "Successful weekend-marriage couples ruthlessly put their marriage first. Tough nuggies to everyone else." [p.147] she warns that such prioritizing may tick off some family members, as she recommends that married folks cut way back on socializing with friends and even visiting aging relatives, if those visits can be implicated in a lack of couple time.
Some of her other advice is more palatable. She recommends that couples never keep joint checking accounts, as they're often a major source of stress and arguments. Instead, one spouse should be responsible for paying the mortgage, and the other the rest of the bills, if those amounts are roughly equal. Kirshenbaum also says that it's best to ignore each other for a while when you're both finally at home at dinnertime, so as to avoid the "negative energy" of venting about the day's stresses. Using Kirshenbaum's many "guerrilla tactics" for preserving (or resurrecting) romance, couples may very well find they have "less time for anger, more time for love." --Erica Jorgensen.
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